just a bit more

I keep telling myself that my life will straighten itself out, I just have to handle a bit more of this, or a bit more of that and I will be able to control it, or conquer it would be a better asseration..but it isnt happening. And I dont know if it ever will. My mother died in May, it was very tramatic very sudden, and I dont know if I will ever get over it. I had many problems with my mother, but she was always there for me, she always told me it was me and her against the world..and shw was right. I bitched about having to take care of her, and having to put my life on hold for her, and having to cut my vacations short, my trips short, or what ever the case so I could rush home and take care of her..but I would give all the money in china if I could just hold her once more, give her a bath, one of the things I so bitched about. If I could do anything with her, it would be a brief monment of peace for me. I hate myself so much for not being there with her the night before she passed. I was out with a friend, whom I never should have been with. I wasnt doing anything wrong, in essence. But If I was home with my mother, I could have known she was sick, I could have made her go to the hospital..I just wnat those moments back in time. I would do almost anything to be able to go back, to do it over again. to have her for one more day. Since she died, I dont live, I have tried to put off real life, I lost my job, because I was unable to work without crying, I lost my home, I lost my friends, the few I had. I feel like I have nothing, but I have my children, and they are here, but I cant talk to them the way I would talk to my mother, the way she could make me just wake the fuck up and realise that I was screwing up my life. But I see that on my own..and I just dont have the strenght to fix it. I dont want to live my life, not without her. I never thought I would feel this way, but I do...i just dont want to live wihtout her its too fucking hard.